Strings of Fate

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220- Letters and letting go

I’m holding my breath as I read that first line again.

*I’ve wanted you in my bed since the first time I saw you.

Oh dear. Maybe I shouldn’t do this. Except… that’s stupid. Not reading it won’t make it less true and honestly… it’s not like it’s something I didn’t already know. So it’s probably time that I suck it up and just accept that I’m the one choosing to be here. I DO want this. I’m just terrified of it. I let my breath out and force myself to relax as I keep reading.

“You already know that you have inspired some ideas for my study and that the thought of making you too embarrassed to enter the kitchen for a month thrills me. I can’t get the image. of you

in the shower out of my head ever since you first walked out in front of me wearing that towel and taking care of you in the bath was the best kind of torment.

I broke the night of my sister’s engagement party. You were devastating in that dress and I desperately wanted to keep you on my arm and show you off in front of everyone. Keeping control of myself when you were drunk and wearing my shirt might be the most difficult thing I have ever done and I still dream about how you felt on top of me. The only thing that made it bearable to hold back was remembering how peaceful I feel when you sleep in my arms and the knowledge that if I screw up I could lose that. It’s important that you understand that I want you. More than almost anything. I say almost because there are things. that I want more than getting more physical with you. I want you to work with me every day and I want to be officially mated to

you and be able to tell anyone who asks. I want you by my side wherever I choose to travel. I want to spend evenings relaxing with you in your friend’s bar. I want to dance with you at Megan and Darrien’s wedding and I want to put a ring on your finger at our own. I want to build a life together and have a family together. I want to fight with you and make up with you. Soothe you when you’re jealous even though we know I’ll enjoy it a little bit too much and that will probably irritate you.

I know I began writing this because you said you wanted to know my ‘fantasies‘, the things that I’ve dreamed about. But more than anything else, I dream about you. Having all of you, the good and the bad. Of loving you and above all of having you love me back. I know that you’re probably not ready to hear this. I’m writing it down because I don’t know what else to do, how far I can push. So this letter is me putting the choice in your hands. I’m all in, I’ve always been all in. I will take as much or as little as you are willing to give me. I don’t know

220- Letters and letting go

when you’ll read this and I don’t know how you will react. I take comfort in the bracelet you made me. It is the most perfect gift you could have chosen and I will cherish it, and if you’ll let me, you, forever.

I love you.

was.

I collapse back into the pillows. That was… not what I expected. But at the same time it There is nothing in his letter that I didn’t already know. But also… there’s nothing on that page that I don’t want. Actually it sounds perfect. Impossibly perfect. Can I really have that? It sounds like a dream. Like a fantasy life that I would read about or see on TV but that no one ever actually has. Except… I do have it or I could. The only person who is making a big deal out of anything, holding back or making things awkward is me. These last few months, even when everything was going wrong, I’ve been happier than

I ever have before. The only time I was completely miserable and alone was when I was staying away from Bellamy and even then… I’m lying to myself when I say I was completely alone. I had Maggie and Logan. Megan was there for me. Not to mention Aaron, Darrien and Shaun. Actually, even Amber. There is no way there were actually that many free shifts at Borderline and she had to be rigging the schedule for me to get that much extra work. Then there was Harry who turned up the minute I called. No, I’m the one who was choosing to be alone. I’m the one who keeps saying I need more time or space or that I’m not ready for more. More responsibilities, more intimacy. But that’s not true. I want all those things. I’m just scared of them. If I have them then I can lose them. But it’s too late. I have them. I want them. I love them. All of them. I

have friends, I have a family and I have Bellamy. I need to stop pretending that I don’t. I

don’t want to lie to myself anymore. I’m ready, I have been for a while now. It’s just taken my

head a while to catch up with my heart.

The water turns off in the ensuite and I freeze up. It is one thing to decide I’m ready, but

what the hell am I meant to DO about it? I have about a minute until Bellamy comes out here and I have no idea how I am supposed to act. Sure enough, the ensuite door swings open letting out a burst of humidity and Bellamy steps out with it. I am no closer to having an answer. He’s wearing loose sleeping pants and a shirt. He’s taken to dressing in the bathroom recently. Following my lead I suppose. He makes eye contact with me and I freeze up like a deer in headlights.

“Hi.” I squeak out. Bellamy raises an eyebrow. Ugh. It took less than ten seconds for me to start acting weird. I’m such an idiot.

220- Letters and letting go

“Hey.” He answers gently, taking a few slow steps over as if trying not to spook me. I’m still frozen in place. He carefully lowers himself to sit on the bed beside me and just like that I bolt upwards. I didn’t plan to, didn’t even realise I was moving until I find myself halfway across the room. Where am I even going? I freeze up again and turn back to face Bellamy.

“Ryann, love? What’s wrong?” He’s tensed up and I can tell he wants to come and comfort. me. But he stays where he is. I guess me running away from him was probably a bit of a prompt for him to keep his distance. Ugh but I don’t WANT him to keep his distance. But saying the words… oh yeah I feel sick at the thought. Can’t he just figure it out? He’s usually so good at knowing what it is I want. He sits forward on the bed, leaning towards me as much as he can without actually coming closer then he pauses. I hear a rustle of paper and he pulls out his letter from where he was partially sitting on it. He knows what it is at a glance and when he looks back at me there’s understanding in his eyes. Ah, okay. Well at least he knows why I’m having a bit of a freak out.

“Sweetheart, tell me what you’re thinking.” He says gently. I just stare. I need to tell him. Just

tell him.

“Tell me what you need then.” He continues.

“Do you need space? Do you want me to leave?” He asks softly. That gets me, I finally find my

words.

“No! I don’t want that.” I insist quickly. I need him to understand but I don’t know how to

1. it. How to tell him what I want.

say

“Just be honest Ry. Just tell me what you’re thinking.” He is almost pleading.

“I’m thinking… I’m thinking that… I love you.” I stammer out. Bellamy is up on his feet and pulling me into his arms before I can so much as blink.